For some reason I’ve been more aware lately of the annoying social habits of other people. Worse than that, I’ve then been noticing many of the same behaviors in myself. Cutting out these negative habits makes it simpler to foster good relationships by getting to the heart of productive communication, so why not start today?

最近我突然注意到别人一些讨厌的交际习惯，而有些习惯我自己也有。只有改掉这些不良习惯，我们才能有效沟通、培养有益的人际关系。那么还等什么呢？

1. Seeking attention by complaining.

通过抱怨寻求关注

I spoke to someone yesterday who all but refused to talk about the positive aspects of their life. After listening to their troubles, I asked about some of the cool projects they have going on. Within two sentences, they were back to complaining about trivial things. We all need to share our troubles with friends or strangers from time to time, but don’t fall into the habit of turning conversations into your own personal dumping ground 100 percent of the time. It’s an easy way to get attention, but it’s a poor way to keep it; and it’s a poor way to view your life.

昨天我遇到几个人，满腹都是对生活的牢骚。听了抱怨后，我问他们最近有没有比较好的事情，结果应付两句后，他们又开始了鸡毛蒜皮的抱怨。当然，人都需要偶尔跟他人说说自己的烦恼，但绝不能因此养成抱怨的习惯，每次开口就只顾自己大诉苦水。虽然抱怨很容易赢得关注，但却是个坏习惯，容易使人消极看待人生。

2. Focusing on your inner monologue instead of the dialogue in front of you.

只顾表达自己，无视交谈互动。

“Holy crap! That’s a great idea. Wow. What can I say that will sound smart and clever? I really hope they think I’m intelligent. I could touch on symbolism or make a reference to post-modernism. Wait – what did they just ask me?” Stay focused on the other person’s words and points. People rarely mind when you say, “Hmm. Let me think about that for a second.” Quite the opposite, since it shows that you’re taking the conversation seriously. If you compose your answers while someone else is speaking, you’re really only having half a conversation. Read Just Listen.

“哇，主意真不错！该说点什么漂亮话来着？我要让别人觉得我很聪明。比喻？引用后现代主义？啊，对了，刚才他们问了什么问题来着？”——这就是很多人的习惯。相反，我们应该注意倾听对方的言辞要点。如果你说：“嗯，我想想看”，人们不会介意，而只会觉得你确实在把你们的谈话当回事。要是你在别人讲话的时候强行插入自己的观点，那谈话其实根本就没有互动性。所以，请倾听！

3. Multi-tasking while you chat.

讲话时一心多用。

Even if you are a professional multi-tasker, if you’re talking to someone, talk to them, and that’s it. Don’t browse online, don’t watch TV, don’t update your to-do list, and please, don’t eat while you’re on the phone. Whether they say so or not, it really annoys the person you’re talking to. If you really don’t have the time to talk, be honest and find another time, or cut it short.

即便你很擅长一心多用，但在跟人讲话时，也请专心讲话。不要同时还在上网、看电视、查看任务清单，而且，千万不要边吃东西边讲电话！不管听电话的人会不会明说，这种行为都很讨厌。如果你实在没时间，那就直接坦白，另外再约时间讲话，或者长话短说。

4. Not paying attention to the people you care about most.

对最重要的人关心不够。

Pretending to listen while your mind wanders to your work day, etc. Do you really think your loved ones can’t tell? They can. And even more importantly, they need you to listen sincerely and thoughtfully. There is no greater gift of love and no greater expression of caring that you can offer the special people in your life, than your undivided time and attention. You need to remember that ‘love’ is listening, and everyone wants to be heard.

总是假装在听，心里却想着工作等其他事情吧？你真以为心爱的他/她感觉不到吗？其实恰恰相反。他/她真的希望你能用心倾听。还有什么比抽空关心他/她更能表达你的爱意呢？请记住：爱是倾听，而人人都渴望被倾听。

5. Constantly fishing for compliments.

无休止地暗求赞美。

“Oh, I look terrible today.” – after someone compliments you. “I just threw it together at the last minute.” – when you obviously dressed up. “I’m really not good at things like this.” – when the people you’re with know you are. Please. Stop. It’s not flattering.

当有人夸你后，你会说“啊，今天我气色并不好。” 明明是盛装打扮，你却又说“唉，随便乱穿罢了。” 就连知根知底的人夸你，你都会说“哪有你说的那样好！”——拜托，这又不是谄媚奉承，何必呢！

6. De-emphasizing compliments with self-effacing remarks.

面对赞赏过于谦逊。

It’s okay to say “thank you” when you’re complimented. By making a self-effacing comment, you nearly force the other person to repeat their compliment, which is not a gracious thing to do. Acknowledging a compliment isn’t snobby – like you’re admitting that you think you’re just grand – it’s a simple courtesy. Besides, you earned it. Saying “thank you” not only makes the other person feel good, it’s a healthy reminder that you’re responsible for some really good things in your life.

受人称赞时说句“谢谢”就行了，非得过于谦逊，反有再次邀赏之嫌，很不好。接受称赞并不表示你很自命不凡，好像自己很了不起的样子，只是是客气而已。更何况有时候确实当之无愧呢！表示感谢不仅让对方感到舒服，也表明你很珍视生活中的美好事物。

7. Cutting people off mid-sentence.

打断别人的讲话。

The only time this is okay is when you’re in an intense brainstorming session. Or you’ve got an urgent situation to attend to. Or you haven’t seen your best friend in months. Okay, so this habit is kind of elastic, but you get the gist. Most of the time, interrupting just means that you’re missing the best parts of the conversation. Plus, you’re showing your chat partner that you value your own thoughts over theirs.

只有在紧张激烈的会议上、遇到非常紧急的情况或激动地与多年不见的好友重逢，打断讲话才情有可原。所以，打断讲话也得看情况分场合。多数时候，打断讲话会错过精彩内容，而且显得你只在意自己的想法。

8. An unsupportive attitude.

不支持的态度。

The greatest compliment you can give to someone is to believe in them and let them know you care. When you see something true, good and beautiful in someone, don’t hesitate to express your appreciation. When you see something that is not true, good and beautiful in someone, don’t neglect to give them your wholehearted blessings and best wishes.

恭维他人的办法就是相信他们，让他们知道你很在乎。如果发现别人的方面，请不要吝啬你的赞美；如果发现别人不太好的地方，也要记得多多鼓励、真心祝愿。

9. Trying to please everyone.

想讨好所有人。

This one is about keeping your sanity. No matter how loud their opinions are, others cannot choose who you are. The question should not be, “Why don’t they like me when I’m being me?” it should be, “Why am I wasting all my time and energy worrying what they think of me?” If you are not hurting anyone with your actions, keep moving forward with your life. Be happy. Be yourself. If others don’t like it, let them be. Life isn’t about pleasing everybody.

这就涉及到理智问题了。不管别人对你有什么看法，你还是你自己。不要再责问自己“为什么他们不喜欢真实的我”，而应告诉自己“何必浪费时间和精力担心别人怎么看我呢”。如果你根本就没碍着谁，那就过自己的日子好了。开心点！别人看不惯，随便呗！活着又不是为了讨好每个人。