Why We Fall Out of Love?

为什么我们不爱了？

Very often, we find that two people who come together out of love grow apart as the years go by. Why does this happen?

我们身边经常会看到这样的一对：他们因为爱情走到了一起，却在多年后分开了。为什么会发生这样的事儿？

Let's say you planted a coconut tree and a mango tree in your garden when they were young saplings, and they were the same height. You thought they would get along pretty well, a great love affair! And if both of them remained stunted and never grew, they would remain compatible. But if both of them grow to their full potential, they will grow to different heights, shapes and possibilities.

我来打个比方吧：你在花园里种了一棵椰子树和芒果树树苗，它们栽下去的时候高度相同。你以为它们会相处得很好，多好的一对啊。的确，如果它们都发育不良长不大，它们彼此会相处得很好。可是要是他们发挥着充分的潜能生长着，那它们会长成不同的高度和形状，就会有许许多多的可能。

If you are looking for sameness between two people, the relationship will always fall apart. After all, a man and a woman come together because they are different. So it is the differences that brought you together, and the differences may become starker and more manifest as one grows. Unless you learn to enjoy the differences as you grow, falling apart or growing apart will naturally happen. If you are expecting both people to grow in the same direction and in the same way, that is unfair to both people. It will curtail and suffocate both of their lives. Whether you fall apart in years, in months or in days simply depends on how fast you are growing.

如果你总是想找到两个人间的共同之处，那这段关系多半会要无疾而终的。男人和女人走到一起正是因为彼此间的不同。是这些差异让彼此吸引走到一起，而这些差异随着每个人的成长也会越发突出和明显。如果你做不到享受彼此在成长的过程中越来越大的差异，那么你们就很自然会出现隔阂，甚至分手。如果你期望两个人都能朝着同一个方向用同样的方式成长，这对两个人都是不公平的，这也会压抑和剥夺彼此的生活乐趣。所以分开只是时间问题，你们的爱情是有几年、几个月还是几天的生命，只是取决于你们成长的速度有多快。

This whole expectation that the person who partners with you should be just like you is a sure way to destroy a relationship. It is a sure way to destroy the garden. Allow, nurture and enjoy the differences between you and your partner. Otherwise, the situation will be maintained in such a way where one person is compulsively dependent upon the other, or both people are compulsively dependent upon each other.

期待自己的伴侣和自己一样，你肯定会毁掉一段感情，就像期待椰子树和芒果树一样长大会毁了你的花园一样。默许你们间的不同，培养并享受这种差异性。否则你们的关系就会保持这样一种状态：其中一方被迫依赖另一方，或者双方都被迫依赖彼此。

We need to understand that relationships happen because of certain needs -- physical, emotional and psychological needs. Whatever the nature of the relationship, the fundamental aspect is you have a need to be fulfilled. We may claim many things for why we have formed a relationship, but if those needs and expectations are not fulfilled, relationships will go bad.

我们需要明白，一段感情是因为某些需求才会产生：生理需求，情感需求或者心理需求。不论感情的本质是什么，一段感情最基础的部分是你要有想要满足的需求。我们可能会对一段感情要求很多东西，可是当这些需求和期望无法实现的时候，感情就会变质。

And as people grow and mature, these needs change. When these needs change, what looked like everything between two people will not feel the same after some time. But we do not have to base a relationship on these same needs forever and feel that the relationship is over. We can always make the relationship mature into something else.

随着人们长大成熟，他们的需求也会发生变化。而当这些变化发生时，两个人之间所有的一切似乎都跟以前不同了。我们不要觉得那些永恒不变的需求才是一段感情的基础，当需求变化了就觉得感情也结束了。我们的关系其实也可以更成熟。

Whatever the needs that brought people together need not be the fundamentals of a relationship forever. The very fundamentals of a relationship have to change as time passes, and as one ages and matures in many different ways. If that change is not made, growing apart or falling apart is definitely a certainty.

虽然是各种需求让两个人走到一起，但是想要关系稳定长久，这些需求并不是根本。感情的根本也会随着时间的改变以及彼此年纪增长和各方面变得成熟而发生变化。如果没有发生变化，那么隔阂和分开会是你们感情的必然结局。